


cause i'm not fine at all

by buckbuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: I'm Sorry, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, but i swear their actions will be explained, sorry guys you might not like the other characters for a bit, very buck heavy for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-05 12:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21208568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckbuckley/pseuds/buckbuckley
Summary: Buck rejoining the 118 didn't go how he planned. Will he stick it out, or will he give into the pressure?





	1. Chapter 1

Buck didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He had been back at the station for a month, and yet he was still being treated like an outsider. He thought by now they would have gotten over it, they didn’t have to forgive him, but at least understand why he did it. But no, it was still a cold shoulder from everyone, everyone except Eddie. Eddie had shut him out completely, not talking to them unless they were on a call and it was completely desperate. The only positive thing was Eddie wasn’t keeping Christopher from him. he was allowed to go see him when Carla was watching him, never when Eddie was home though. These days, the visits with Christopher were all that really kept him going. He had Maddie, but she was happy with Chim, and he didn’t want to mess that up. She found something good, and really that’s what he wanted for her. So here Buck was, alone in his fight.

Buck heard the rest of the firehouse getting called to dinner, but he didn’t even bother responded. No point in him going up to be ignore the whole time. He stayed down at the truck, continuing to wipe the seemingly ever present mud off of it. He would just grab a granola bar later, once dinner had ended. It hurt him to hear the laughing coming from what he thought was his family, but he didn’t know what else to do. He was sure his name was mentioned a few times, but he didn’t want to know what they were saying. He knew the comments that went on behind his back, even the people he had never worked with kept calling him a traitor. It hurt at first, but now he just felt numb to it all. Maybe he even deserved to be called that.

Whenever anyone called him a name, all the interactions with his teammates playing through his head, trying to figure out where he went wrong. Nothing stuck out more than Eddie yelling at him in the supermarket all those weeks ago.

_You’re exhausting._

_Do you know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You’re not around._

_No, it prevents me from reaching out to you!_

Buck knew Bobby had been upset with him, but he didn’t expect the outburst from Eddie. He really thought his best friend would have understood, but somehow he understood the least out of anyone. He had tried to be there, and be supportive of Eddie and Christopher, but it felt like he was being pushed out even before the lawsuit. Eddie didn’t ask for his help with Christopher, even though he was there with him for the tsunami. The texts and calls dwindled down, until they were nothing when contact was restricted. He couldn’t pinpoint what the issue had been, but at this point it didn’t seem likely that he would find out.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the klaxons going off. Before Buck relished in the thought of a call. It meant he got to help people and get the adrenaline pumping. Now, it just meant glares from the others, and worrying he would mess up and then get yelled at. He still got to help people, but not in the same way as before. He got his job back, but it seemed to be at the cost of his family.

\------

Sitting in the truck, he stared out the window. The call wasn’t a big one, just a smoke detector set off by some pizza left in the oven a little too long. Bobby didn’t even bother assigning him anything to do, just let him watch the truck.

It didn’t take long before the 118 was back in the truck, heading back to the house. He could hear the rest of the crew making jokes around him, and making plans for the weekend. Buck knew really there was no point in asking if he could join in, he would just get looks from the rest of the crew. He would have given anything to be a part of the jokes, even if they were at his expense like they were before the accident. Anything to be a part of the family again.

He felt a buzz in his pocket and pulled it out to check. It was just a message from his doctor confirming his appointment. It was one of his conditions of being back, getting double checked by his doctor to make sure nothing was wrong. A wrongful termination suit was one thing, but a wrongful death one was going to be even worse. The station didn’t want that. He really didn’t mind seeing his doctor, but it was really just a reminder that he had to fight for his job back, and the crew really didn’t seem to like the way they did that.

“Buckley, get off your phone. You know the rules. No phones when we are out on calls.” Bobby’s stern voice came from the front, completely ignoring the fact that Chim was also on his phone, clearly texting Maddie.

“Sorry Captain, it was my doctor. It won’t happen again.” His voice may have been slightly tinged with anger, but who was going to notice. It’s not like anyone was going to actually pay attention to him anyways.

\------

When they finally got back to the station, everyone rushed past, excited to get off shift and get on with their plans. A few of them bumped into Buck, like he wasn’t even there. To them, he may as well not have been. He went to his locker, and slowly organized his things. He didn’t have anything to go home to. Chimney went home to Maddie, Bobby had Athena, Hen had Karen and Denny, and Eddie had Christopher. He trudged out to his car, dreading going home.

The car ride back was uneventful. No texts, no calls, no nothing. Buck unlocked the door to his dark apartment, and put his bag on the hook. He didn’t bother to turn the lights on. He knew he should go to the kitchen and cook something, but he was just exhausted. Climbing up the steps to his bed took whatever energy he had left. He fell into his bed, and pulled the covers up over him. He felt the hot tears falling down his face, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was emotionally exhausted from having to pretend that what happened at the station didn’t get to him. He was exhausted from being isolated all the time. For what felt like the millionth time in a row, Buck eventually cried himself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck sat in the doctor’s office, just staring at the wall. He didn’t want to look down, the hospital gown exposing all his scars. They represented his weakness, his failure. It he had just been stronger, maybe he could have made it out from under the ladder truck faster, and his leg wouldn’t have been so damaged. If he had been stronger, maybe he would have healed faster, and then the lawsuit would have never happened. If he hadn’t decided that he needed his job, maybe he would still have his family. He would have been happy to continue to spiral for a while, but he heard the door start to open, so he plastered his fake smile on.

“So lay it on me Doc, how we looking?” He used his joking voice. By all accounts he should have been fine, he had followed all of the rules set for him.

“Well Evan, your blood work looks good. I think we’re going to be able to take you off the blood thinners today. You’ve lost some weight though. Not enough to be worrying yet, but you should try and keep an eye on it.” He looked up from his papers. “Any reason you can think of for the loss though?”

“We’ve just been having so many calls that it’s been hard to always find time for a meal, but I’ve been making sure to eat breakfast and as much dinner as possible. I’ll try and keep some snacks on me for calls like that.” Lying at this point came easy to Buck. As long as he said it with a smile, people weren’t likely to call him out on it. Part of the Buckley charm, no one every looked deep.

“Make sure you do that then. We wouldn’t want all your hard work to go to waste here.”

“You got it chief.”

\------

Buck clutched onto the paper like it was a lifeline. He was cleared for full duty, no blood thinners, and no restrictions. Maybe finally the team would accept him back in, maybe they were just waiting for him to heal before letting him be part of the family again. He marched right up to Bobby and held out the paper. 

“Doctor says I’m all cleared for full duty, again.” He kept is voice as steady as possible. Bobby looked down at the papers, before looking back at Buck.

“Well then Buckley, hop to it. See no reason as to why you aren’t cleaning everyone’s gear. Unless you have some other hidden medical issues you want to share” Bobby turned back to his conversation with the other firefighters, clearly dismissing Buck. He tried to not take it personally, if he just kept sticking it out, eventually they would come around and let him back in. Today just wasn’t the day. He just had to prove himself first. If that meant he had to clean every inch of the fire house over and over, he was going to stick it out. If he didn’t get his family back, he had no clue what he was going to do. They kept him grounded, and without them he felt like he was falling. 

He was glad at least cleaning was a no thought task. He could clean the trucks blindfolded at this point. Really it left him feeling like a robot, but it was at least something to do. If he had to sit in the station, not talking to anyone, just him and his thoughts. At this point it was more dangerous than going out on calls. At least on calls he felt like he had a purpose, something his thoughts would rob him of.

Everytime the klaxons went off that day, he was told to stay behind. Just in case someone needs you, Bobby had told Buck. They both knew that was code for ‘I don’t feel like dealing with you on this call. Don’t want you getting hurt and suing us again.’ It would have been a fair point if Buck was that kind of person, but he really thought they knew him better than that. The suit was out of desperation, and yet no one understood that. Really the only thing still keeping him going was knowing he got to see Christopher that day. He got off two hours before Eddie, and Carla had texted him with the approval for him to come over. Never did the text come from Eddie, but Buck had grown used to it at that point. He just wanted his best friend back. He would have taken the yelling again, if it just meant that he could hear Eddie saying something to him. 

If anything, the one good thing about being left alone at the station meant no one was around to see him cry. Boys don’t cry, that’s what his father had drilled into him. Crying was a weakness, one he couldn’t afford for the station to know about. He was supposed to be better, be healed from his injury, be ready for work. He overcame everything that was thrown his way, it was supposed to be his triumph, and yet it felt like his biggest failure.

\------

Buck had practically run out of the station at the end of his shift. He had driven faster than was maybe legal, but he just needed to see Christopher. Spending time with the boy was a reminder that maybe he didn’t mess everything up. Eddie must have had some amount of trust still in him, or else he would have been cut completely out of their lives.

The two sat on the floor, building stuff out of legos. Christopher was finally making shapes, after he and Buck spent hours pouring over the instructions, trying to figure out exactly how all the pieces went together. In the end, the two got a decent looking firetruck out of it all. He was proud of what they accomplished. He put it up on Christopher’s bookshelf at his request, with the two firefighters in front of it. Buck didn’t want to think too much about why Christopher only chose to have two firefighters instead off all four the kit came with. He felt his watch vibrate, letting him know that the two hours was up, and that it was time to go before Eddie got back. 

“Hey kid, I gotta get going here. Your dad’s going to be here soon, so why don’t we get everything cleaned up for him?” Christopher nodded and the two put them all back in the bucket.

“I’ll see you next week, promise me you’ll ace your math test?” Buck knelt down to give Christopher a hug.

“Promise you kid.” Christopher said with a grin. Buck was always amazed how happy Christopher seemed, nothing ever seemed to keep him down. He ruffled Christopher’s hair before waving a goodbye to Carla and leaving the house. He tried his best to always avoid Eddie, not wanting to make the whole situation more awkward than it already was. But as it always seemed like, luck was not on side. Of course Eddie somehow got home early that day. 

Buck tried not to stare, but the huge bruise was evident on Eddie’s forearm. It clearly wasn’t something from the shift, but he knew he shouldn’t say anything about it. It wasn’t his place anymore. He lost that right when he sued the department, that was evident. He didn’t plan for it to slip out, but right as he walked past Eddie he whispered “You know I still care, right?” and kept walking to his car.

If he had bothered to look back, he would have noticed Eddie turn around and watch Buck walk away. Both clearly wanted to talk more, but forces kept them separated.


	3. Chapter 3

Really, Buck should have known today was the day something was going to go wrong. It was a gloomy day in L.A., a torrential downpour. Bad weather always meant more calls, as it seemed like the people only knew how to handle themselves in sunny weather. It felt like as soon as they got back from one, they were called instantly to another. It was tiring, but people were being saved, and really that was all Buck could ask for. 

It was the last call of the shift, the call coming in 5 minutes before they were supposed to switch out. It was a house fire caused by a lightning strike. The rain had been slowing down, but that meant it was no longer raining hard enough to put the fire out. It was going to be a difficult one to deal with. Everything was going to be wet, and the change of a second strike while they were out was likely. As they neared the fire, the feeling of danger in Buck’s stomach grew. He had to push the feeling down, knowing that it wouldn’t benefit anyone if he was scared. 

“Hen and Chim, I want you checking on the family members that are outside. Diaz and Buckley, check inside the house. The mother said their son is still inside, he didn’t make it out with them. Riley and Jones, I want you two getting the hose set up and ready to go as soon as Diaz and Buckley are out.” Bobby’s voice came over the headset before they all jumped out of the truck and got to work. Buck and Eddie suited up in silence next to each other, and made their way towards the house.

“You go check the first floor, I’ll grab the second. We don’t have much time.” Eddie spoke, and then ran up the stairs, not leaving any time for Buck to object. He didn’t like the thought of the two of them splitting up, but Eddie was right. The house could come down at any minute. Buck searched through the kitchen, checking in cupboards that a kid could hide in. Seeing nothing, he continued into the living room. Smoke was filling the house rapidly, and there wasn’t going to be much time left before the whole thing came down.

“Diaz, Buckley, come in. How is the search going.” Bobby’s voice came in over the radio.

“Negative Captain, one more room to search.” Buck responded, and got back to checking the room.

“Negative, coming out now.” Eddie’s voice came over. That meant either the boy escaped somehow, or he was still in the house. 

Buck cleared the living room, and started to check the dining room. He saw what looked like a person under the dining table. Shoving the chairs out of the way, he crawled underneath and checked for a pulse.

“Got him, coming out now.” Buck started to pick the boy up, when a loud crack suddenly filled the air, and then pain filled his body. He let out a cry of pain as he felt the table suddenly pressed against him. The only positive he could see is that his body had shielded the boy from the house falling. His ears were ringing, and his head was pounding, but he had to keep on going. There were branches all around him, which he didn’t remember being there previously. They were huge fire risks, and the boy was already unconscious. Buck pulled the two of them out from under the table, and then went to pick the child up again, and had to grit his teeth against the pain blossoming in his shoulder. Breathing was painful, but he didn’t know if that was from an injury or the smoke in the room. He rushed out of the house as fast as possible. The pain kept him grounded, and didn’t let him give into the desire he had to go to sleep. He needed to save the boy, needed to be the hero again. 

Chim was there to meet Buck as soon as he exited the house, taking the boy and getting him situated on the stretcher. Buck made his way back towards the truck so the others could start spraying. He made sure he was out of the line of sight before he started coughing. There was no way he didn’t inhale a large amount of smoke, but the blood that came up in his cough was the more worrying thing. His whole left side hurt, and he was willing to bet at least one rib was cracked. As soon as the coughing fit was done, he came back out, still wanting to help. He didn’t want the team thinking he was an injury risk. He had two days off to heal before he had to come back to work.

The next think Buck remembered was suddenly being back at the station, with an angry Bobby in front of him. 

“What were you thinking? That boy could have been seriously hurt because of your mistake.” Bobby’s stern voice broke through the clouds in Buck’s brain. He had no clue what Bobby was mad about. What mistake did Buck make. “You should have seen the tree on the left side of the house and checked that first. It could have crushed that boy.” 

Buck didn’t bother arguing with Bobby, he just accepted the words as they came at him. He put his head in his hands, the bright lights of the station were making his headache worse. He just had to wait for the yelling to stop, and then he could go sleep and heal up. He had mostly tuned out the words Bobby was saying, but there were ones that stuck out to him, because they were the last ones said.

“Take the rest of the week off and think about your mistake. You make another one and you’re off the team, I don’t care who you try and sue to get back.” Bobby walked off, not even giving Buck a chance to respond. If he felt better, he would have argued back. Bobby should have notified them about the tree with a cracked limb, how was Buck supposed to see it from inside the house. He had saved the boy, he would have been crushed if Buck wasn’t there. He just didn’t have the energy to get angry about that. 

Buck got up and just left the station, not even bothering to wait to make sure his replacement was there. He just wanted to sleep, and for the pain to stop. Maybe he did deserve it though, if he was faster it wouldn’t have happened. If he was just better, he wouldn’t be in this situation at all.  
Somehow, Buck miraculously ended up back at home. He didn’t even have the energy to climb up the stairs to his bed, instead choosing to just pass out on the couch. He had to sleep very carefully, making sure to not jostle his ribs. He planned on going to the hospital in the morning, really he just needed to sleep first.

\------

Maddie pounded on Buck’s door, annoyed with him. They were supposed to go get dinner tonight, and catch up. They had both been so busy with work that it was just impossible to find a time, but as soon as they got one of course he chose to blow her off. 

“Buck if you don’t open up this door I’m coming in.” She let out a sigh before turning her key in the lock, ready to yell at him.

She flipped the lights on, and looked around. The place was actually neat and tidy for once, something she didn’t expect. She saw Buck on the couch, and rolled her eyes.

“Wake up Buck, you said we were going to get dinner.” She spoke as she walked closer. She gently shook him, but got no response.

“Evan?” The annoyance in her voice was gone, replaced by worry. He wasn’t waking up. Her nurse training kicked in, and she checked her head. The dark, sticky liquid she felt made her heart drop. She frantically grabbed her phone and dialed 911

“I need an ambulance.”


	4. Chapter 4

Buck woke up feeling groggy, and annoyed that the lights were so bright. He tried to roll over in his bed, only to feel a sharp pinch in his arm, forcing his eyes open. He was in the hospital, and had an IV in his arm. He didn’t feel anything more than a dull ache, but based on how spacey he felt he knew they put him on the strong pain meds. He remembered getting back to his apartment, but not exactly how he got to the hospital. He knew it couldn’t have been someone from the station, he figured they would have said something before he left. 

He got his answer when Maddie walked through the door. He had completely forgotten the two were supposed to go to dinner together. 

“I’m so sorry Mads I just completely forgot about dinner.” Buck gave Maddie his best kicked-puppy look, but he knew she had probably been preparing to yell at him the whole time.

“You know I’m getting real tired of seeing you in the hospital.” Maddie sounded more weary than anything else. Buck picked up a hint of disappointment, but what was new. She sat down in one of the awful plastic chairs, and took Buck’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you got hurt? They could have helped you.” She tried to make eye contact with Buck, but he looked away. He didn’t want to spill everything to his sister.

“I didn’t get hurt that badly, they needed to be worried about the other people, not a fellow firefighter.” Buck’s voice waiver, but he was sticking to his stance. The others who were there were more important, the boy he almost got killed deserved the help more.

Maddie pulled away from Buck, and started pacing. “Not that badly? Evan, you broke three ribs and your collar bone, not to mention one of them punctured your lung. You had a grade three concussion, and severe smoke inhalation. What about that doesn't sound bad. You could have died if I hadn’t come over.”

Buck really didn’t like his sister having to worry about him. She had her own stress to deal with, and clearly this was going to only add to it, but she did deserve the truth at least. “The others didn’t seem to care I got hurt. They don’t seem to care about me at all. I thought we were a family, but I messed it all up. They don’t want me anymore.” His voice trailed off at the end. It was a painful reminder of how it had been with his parents before. Things were bad when Maddie was home, but got worse once she left. He thought he finally had a family again, but he messed up and ruined it.

He risked a glance over towards his sister, and he saw flames in her eyes. She was frighteningly calm. “What do you mean they don’t care.” He was scared to answer, knowing he would make things worse, but not saying anything would be even more dangerous.

“They don’t really talk to me anymore. I don’t get invited to eat meals with them. It just feels like I’m not wanted there.” He looked down at his hands, feeling a little better for saying how he was actually feeling, but still guilty for having to tell someone his problems. 

Maddie’s eyes softened. She knew the feelings Buck had, she dealt with them when she had been with Doug. The feeling that no one cares, and the feelings of worthlessness that came with them. She was furious that anyone had made Buck feel that way, especially those he considered his family.

“I will always want you, remember that.” She leaned down to give Buck a kiss on his forehead. “I’ve got a few phone calls to make, then I’ll be back. You’ll call if you need, right?” She took the nod Buck gave her as enough, knowing he probably wouldn’t anyways. 

She left his room, making sure the door was shut behind her and walked out to the waiting area, fists clenched. Anger coursed through her body by the time she got to her destination. She could see the 118 stand to ask her about Buck, but she raised her hand, stopping them. “How dare you.” The looks of surprise shot up on everyone’s faces. “How dare you show up here and act like his family, when clearly you haven’t been treating him that way at the station. He didn’t tell any of you he was hurt because he thought you wouldn’t care. He thinks you don’t want him anymore, that you were willing to throw him out over one mistake. He could have died because he didn’t even think you would care enough to check him over at the scene. He turned down millions of dollars to get back to you, and you have the audacity to make him feel worthless. All of you can go home, I’m not letting you see him anyways.” She hadn’t meant for money part to just slip out like that, but she was in the heat of the moment. Maddie needed to yell, needed for them to understand just how much they had put Buck through. It was clear he craved validation and and a family, and yet it was all ripped away from  
him. 

She was mad at each of them individually. Bobby had become sort of a pseudo dad to Buck, but it seemed like he just took everything away from him. He should have explained to Buck why he kept benching him. Hen always seemed to be one of the closest to Buck, and usually wouldn’t follow the others when something like this happened. There was no reason she could think of as to why Hen would suddenly ignore Buck even if everyone else was. Chin knew what it felt like to be ignored and feel out of place in the station, and yet he didn’t bother to hang with Buck, or even tell Maddie what was going on. They were going to have a serious talk when she came home later that night.

The one that somehow made the least sense was Eddie. Buck and Eddie were so close before all of this. Her thousand teasing comments about Eddie always made Buck blush. She really thought he was going to be there for Buck when he came back to the station, especially after what had apparently happened in the store. 

When Maddie got back to Buck’s room, the look on his face made it apparent that he had heard some of what was being said. She probably had yelled rather loudly, but it needed to be said. Neither of them said anything though, Maddie sat back down in her chair and gave Buck’s hand a squeeze. The problems with the station were ones for another time. Now, it was time for Buck to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought I had posted this but guess it was just saved as a draft so its going to be a double update day then ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. Chapter 5

When Maddie called Chim to tell him that Buck was in the hospital and she was going to meet him, he was shocked. Nothing seemed wrong with Buck when he left, but Chim hadn’t been paying much attention to him. He heard Bobby yelling, and wanted nothing to do with it. He should have paid attention though, Buck was his friend and he should have noticed. Really though he hadn’t been much of a friend recently. At first, Chim had been following Caps lead of giving Buck the cold shoulder, but at this point it had been over a month and really should have stopped. Really the whole station should have forgiven Buck by now, he was young and made dumb mistakes all the time. He should have at least told Maddie about it so Buck didn’t have to feel alone. Chim remembered what it was like to be ignored, he shouldn’t have participated at all. He knew he should at least be there for Buck, and planned to go and wait. 

The only problem in Chims plan was he was still on shift, and had to tell Cap that he was going to leave earlier than expected, and he had to explain why. As soon as he told Cap, the whole team wanted to go. They all had the same reaction as Chim. Hearing Buck was injured and none of them noticed at all. What kind of family were they. 

Chim texted as soon as they were in the waiting room. He figured it was probably best if they waited, and didn’t rush Buck’s room. The whole group was tense as they waited, no one really knew what to say. When Maddie came down the hall, everyone turned towards her, ready for whatever news she was going to bring.

How dare you show up here and act like his family, when clearly you haven’t been treating him that way at the station. He didn’t tell any of you he was hurt because he thought you wouldn’t care. He thinks you don’t want him anymore, that you were willing to throw him out over one mistake. He could have died because he didn’t even think you would care enough to check him over at the scene. He turned down millions of dollars to get back to you, and you have the audacity to make him feel worthless. All of you can go home, I’m not letting you see him anyways. 

Maddie didn’t bother to even address any of them before she left. Her words hung in the air to sink in. Their actions had led them to this, being cut completely out his Buck’s life. Chim was the first one to stand up and start heading for the door. Everyone stared at him.

Chim shrugged his shoulders “If Maddie says she’s not going to let us in, then we aren’t getting in there. She isn’t joking about that. I’m just going to come back tomorrow.” Glances were passed around before they realized he was right, and they walked out together. Plans were made to try again the next day, but it seemed unlikely Maddie was going to let them in at all.

——————

Their assumptions proved to be true. Maddie had them taken off the list of guests allowed. She seemed completely serious about taking Buck away from them, but it was fully deserved. She wasn’t even talking to Chim, instead choosing to move in with Buck while he healed. They said he was going to be out for 10 weeks while everything healed. When the news came through, the crew realized they needed to sit down and talk about what had happened. 

“I talked to the Chief this morning. They’re going to be conducting an investigation as to how no one noticed a firefighter had been severely injured. As Captain, I’m willing to take the hit on this one. I should have known better.” Bobby knew the station ignoring Buck was his fault. People looked up to their captain, and would follow their lead. He had been harsh on the kid because he didn’t want to see him hurt again, but look where it got them. 

“Bobby this isn’t just on you. Anyone of us should have been able to see he was hurt. He didn’t trust any of us, and that’s our fault.” Hen spoke up. She didn’t think it was fair for just Bobby to take the blame, not when it was a group effort. Any one of them could have chosen to say something to Buck, or look at him after what happened. She had just assumed the tree had fallen near Buck, not on top of him. She should have known from his breathing something was wrong, Buck never took shallow breaths unless something was wrong.

“It’s my fault if anything, I told him to go check that side of the house. We shouldn’t have split up, but I told him to anyways. We should have cleared together.” Eddie knew protocol, he knew they were supposed to go in pairs. He ignored the rules, instead he sent Buck away and it lead to him getting injured. Eddie felt like he was the most to blame here. Buck had been his best friend, and he let that all go away after some stupid lawsuit. He hadn’t even talked to Buck, other than when he yelled at him last. It always hurt to hear Christopher talk about him, but Eddie thought he was doing what was best. He really couldn’t afford to get attached then have his heart be broken again. Not after Shannon. 

“I know we all did things we wish we didn’t, but we can’t go back in time and change it. What happens from this investigation happens. We can try and talk to Buck, but I don’t know if Maddie is going to let us. We can only move forward, and make sure when Buck comes back, that this doesn’t happen again.” Chim knew he had spent hours thinking about this already. They were all to blame, that much was true, but they couldn’t do anything about it yet. They could only work to change things for when Buck came back. They wanted to be his family again, but they were going to have to earn the right to be back in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it was going to be a double update day then one of you gave me an idea in the comments so I wrote this chapter as an in between one. I do read every comment that comes in, and take what you guys say into account a lot.


End file.
